Jonathan has been a real pain in my ass during the holidays. He got a video recorder for Christmas (not from me), and his first creative act was to make a video of me using the song, “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” as background music. Except he heavily edited the film clips he took of me, and not all the clips of me are actually me. He did some creative costuming and put a sign on his shirt with my name on it. I have no idea where he found a wig like that, with the hair all gelled straight up in a bright green peak. He hung a couple of ornaments on it so it looked like a f-ing Christmas tree, and he wore a half mask, so only the lower half of his face showed.
That stupid song played in the background while he shoved a pair of fake fangs painted red over his own teeth and danced around in time to the music. And you don’t want to know what evil captions he inserted. He’s threatened to post it on You Tube unless I let him take my new Vette out for a test drive in the near future.
So, anyone want a seventeen-year-old vampire? He’s only slightly used. I’m running a New Year’s special: $19.95 plus shipping and handling. On the plus side, he’ll give you a good challenge at video games, and he knows his way around computers (no thanks to me), so he can fix yours if it’s broken. On the down side, his teen appetite may require you to take out a second mortgage for his upkeep.
On second thought, never mind. I’ll keep him. I wouldn’t want to inflict that much pain and suffering on other any human. Besides, I’d probably miss him not being around.
In February, I begin my guest vampire author series (authors who write about vampires not authors who are vampires). It’s always interesting to see what others think vampires are really like.
Wait a sec, the young pain-in-my-ass has something to add:
Adrian failed to tell you WHY I made the video of him. When we had all that snow in mid-December, his lazy ass wanted nothing to do with shoveling it, so guess who had to so our friends could come and visit?
Whatever. They were his friends, not mine.
Merry New Year to everyone listening. Next week’s blog post will be “Perks and Caveats to Being a Vampire.”
And don’t forget to include donating to the Red Cross in your New Year’s resolutions.
–A.S.
